Thursday, December 20, 2007

Older Than My Mom. It's Not Right.

Another birthday has come and gone. Ho-hum. I could do without them, really. Lately, the older I get, the less excited I am about having them. I don't mean to be a kill-joy, but what bothers me about my birthday is, when I was 16, I lost my mom to cancer. She was 35 when diagnosed and 42 when she died. It will be so weird when I pass her age and am older than she was...gives me the shivers.

I remember my 35th birthday, two years ago today, and I remember thinking that it was odd that I was the same age as my mom was when she found out she had cancer. I was so freaked out that I went and had a mammogram just to make sure I was fine. I was. I also remember as a kid thinking she was so old--gawd, 35, she was ancient! Somehow, when I turned 35, it didn't seem so old, I didn't feel ancient.

Now that I just turned 37, it is with an odd sadness. I am only five years away from the oldest my mom ever was. I am not supposed to be older than my mom, it isn't supposed to work that way. This is messed up as she was supposed to get old first and I was supposed to follow.

Sooooo, that is why I am not fond of my birthday as every year I get a year closer to the oldest age my mom ever was, and I don't feel right about passing her up. Someday, just knowing I will be older than my mom was...gives me the shivers.
(c) 2007 Cindy Breninger All Rights Reserved.

8 comments:

Kitty said...

Awww, I think how you feel is completely understandable. But your mum would, I'm sure, be urging you on to an extremely happy old age. Just because she didn't get one, doesn't mean that you won't have one. Your post is a good reminder for me to value each day.

Merry Christmas Cindy :-) x

Grilled Pizza said...

My elder brother by ten years was 32 when he died,i turn 34 in a couple of weeks so i really do understand where you are coming from but believe me hun you can deal with it, its not as bad a feeling as you fear and i always think he is watching and proud i made it further than he did.
Chin up hun xxx

Mohit said...

I am 24 and can't even think of a life without my parents.
Sigh.. you lost your mother at such a young age.
But life is not about how long you live. It is how many memorable monents you had. I am sure your mother had many and now she must be wishing many more for you from heaven.
Merry Christmas:)

Apples & Pears said...

Sending you cyber hugs and warm thoughts. I know your mom is doing the same.

I saw your post in Blogger Share. I'm glad I checked it out. :)

Happy Holidays!

Elise said...

I understand what you mean Cindy. Its a very strange feeling. Don't count the years though. Live your life. It how your mother would have wanted it.

And Happy Birthday. Do something special. Make it count xxx

Anonymous said...

Cindy I have lost two friends in their 20s, one in his 30s, my first wife at 37, my brother at 37 my dad at 53 my mom at 54 and I just lost my sister to cancer . She was 57. My name is Steve. I will be turning 57 in a couple of months. I just want you to know that I have the same thoughts that you do. I miss everyone of these people terribly.. Sometimes I think whats the point in all this? What I do is to concentrate an all that is good in my life. I have three great kids and six granchildren. Oh yeah, and a wonderful wife. I spend as much time as I can with my family. And when I feel sad and blue I reach out to them for lots of hugs..So count your blessings put one foot in front of the other and live your life to the fullist. God Bless, Steve...

Mary said...

Happy Birthday:)

Zoe said...

happy birthday! what a truly touching post... thinking of you